Jokes and Fun March 2014 by JustJok.in - HTML preview

How to Crack an Interview? The Layman's Way

Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.

 Candidate: I am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele-Communication engineering from Baban Rao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.

Interviewer: Baban Rao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!

Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it. What happened is – due to cricket world cup I scored badly in 12th. I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him ‘baap’) – “I can’t invest so much of money”. No, baap actually said – “I will never waste so much of money on you”. So I had to join this college. Frankly speaking this name – Baban Rao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.

Interviewer: Ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering.

Candidate: Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.

Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6!

Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it.

 Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.

Candidate: No no, I am talking about Exams!!

Interviewer : Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?

 Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it. In fact, when I flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in EST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative.

 Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher studies?

 Candidate: He he he, are you kidding? Completing ‘lower’ education itself was so much of pain!!

Interviewer: Let’s talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have you worked? Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platforms. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)

Interviewer: And which languages have you used?

 Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and many other languages.

Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?

 Candidate: It is a common sense – C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new language VD!

 Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?

 Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.

 Interviewer: What is your general project experience?

 Candidate: My general experience about projects is – most of the times they are in pipeline!

Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?

 Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata Info Tech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows.

Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?

 Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn’t be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone calls and use speaker facility. And very important – I know few words like  – ‘Showstoppers ‘ , ‘hot fixes’, ‘SEI-CMM’, ‘quality’, ‘version control’, ‘deadlines’ , ‘Customer Satisfaction’ etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!

 Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?

Candidate: Not much.

1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.

 2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.

 3. I believe in flexi-timings.

 4. Dress Code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.

 5. We must have Saturday and Sunday off. I will suggest off on Wednesdays too, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.

 6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and Europe. But considering the fact that there are Olympics coming up in China in the current year, I don’t mind going there in that period. As you can see I am modest and don’t have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?

 Interviewer: Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before and that is why I kept on asking you questions. Welcome to INFOSYS.

NB: This fellow was appointed in a newly created section ‘Stress Management’ in the HRD of Infosys.