How to Marry a Psychopath by Fruitloopmum - HTML preview

“Mum, what do you want to be when you grow up?”

Yep, from the mouths of babes as they say!

Admittedly, the question posed by my 5-year-old came straight after we had finished a sock-surfing session on the kitchen floor - I had given my best performance to date and was smugly showing my kids how to perfect the slide,turn and recover technique.

Anyway, the question got me thinking a bit

Now, I'm sure you'll all empathise with this, I keep forgetting how old I am! (maybe it's Alzheimer's) I'm serious. I was actually having a conversation with my father the other day and mentioned my age. He corrected me and I looked at him in stunned confusion as he said " You can't bloody pull that trick on me, I'm your father, and I was there"

Trouble is that most of my friends are younger than me, and I sort of morph into this younger persona most of the time until I say something like " Yeah, well do you remember that kids programme the Magic Roundabout?' and someone pulls me back into line with " Nope, cos that was before we were born!"

So, back to the question of what I want to be when I finally grow up. It's a tough one, given that I don't know if I ever will. But if I do, here are some ideas I've been mulling over....

• A Hell's Granny - because I have a hankering for a motorbike and I'd love any excuse for donning leather after the age of seventy. If I'm too infirm by then, then I think I'll just get me one of those motorised old-age scooter things cos then I can drive on the pavements and it'll be legal! I'll even be able to give my ageing mates lifts back from poker nights on the handlebars... I know from observation that you don't need a licence to drive one of those recklessly!
• A Belly Dancer - well, I've already got the belly for it and it jiggles a fair bit. How hard can it be to learn how to get it to jiggle in time to music? I think I'd really enjoy seeing how my children react when 'nanna' insists on doing her party piece at family gatherings!
• A Spy - I really do think that the CIA and MI5 should seriously consider recruiting among the elderly. I mean, by the time you reach your sixties or seventies you're a bit like Obi-Wan Kanobi. Cool, calm collected and incredibly wise. Great attributes for the perfect spy. Plus, who would suspect a sweet little old granny of being a spy? Oooooh imagine the excitement when you get your company car from Q. Pass me that recruitment form and a martini NOW!

Well, those are my thoughts for now. Actually, there's nothing stopping me from being all three if I want...Further suggestions from my readers would be great, so lets hear from you! Oh, you know what? The one thing that I know with absolute conviction and certainty that I will be when I grow up is:

A Nuisance. Sorry kids but it'll be payback time!!