12-08-2016: A Step Away from Self-Pity

I discussed my recent emotional struggle with my mother today. In a sense, it helped - if not to clear up the chaos inside, then at least to turn my attention away from it. I feel as if I can think normally for the first time this week.

However, if only for the sake of extending the length of this rambling, I feel the need to turn my attention back to it briefly.

If my mother was right - and more often than not, she’s close to it - my inner chaos is a sign of a lesser degree of affection. A sign of what would be commonly referred to as a “crush”.

As used as I am to inner chaos of varying intensities, this is the first time it’s ever been this intense. And not once before has it involved emotions - at least not to this degree. I believe I’ve already addressed the topic of the false crushes I used to have, so I won’t waste precious space talking about it here.

I didn’t believe I’d be saying this, but when I told myself I’d never experience true love, maybe I was wrong after all. Of course, that stage is still far out of my sight. But now, I feel as though it isn’t entirely out of my reach.

Now Bohemian Rhapsody is ringing in my head for some reason. How appropriate.

Anyway, I do find it slightly amusing that I was wrong about myself. Granted, I’m only on the first step, but it is a promising first step. I only hope I don’t find myself trying to walk up an escalator that’s going down. I have a burning desire to prove to myself that I was wrong. I have a reason why I want to reach the highest step.